Pickles & Dimes

I’m attempting to write a press announcement today (literally – it’s an announcement about a press), when one of the Tuberculosis Twins™ receives yet another phone call from her husband. He calls approximately 32 times a day, which is just like the woman in my Glamour magazine who wrote in to say that because her husband “checks in with her” at work 7-8 times a day, they are so totally IN LOVE. Actually, I think it means he is a controlling STALKER, but whatever, Glamour lady. So, Tuberculosis Twin (“Form of a Germ Molecule!“) ends her conversations with her hubby the same way every time:

“Shut up! NO, you shut up! Shut up! OK. Bye.”

(Note: Due to graphic pretend violence, viewer discretion is advised.)

Apparently, she is 13. And annoying. Even my boyfriend Batista is annoyed.

In addition to Tuberculosis Twin, there is a woman here who sneezes violently every day. About 8 or 9 sneezes each time. After the first sneeze, I always automatically think, “Bless you.” (I’d say it out loud, but she sits too far away. But not too far away that I can’t hear her explosive sneezing. Because to NOT hear that would require me to live in, say, Iowa.) After the 2nd and 3rd sneeze, I think, “OK. Let’s wrap it up here.” After Sneeze 6 or 7, I think, “Oh come on. Stop milking this already.” And after Sneeze 9, I’m ready to go over there and throttle her myself. I mean, seriously – every day?

And then, and THEN, there is this woman who makes the weirdest noise ever. And every time, I say to myself, “What the hell IS that?” Because it sounds something like this:

Bwaaaaaaarpcoughhehsnorkblorgachkldjafksfksafkhiihgggggggggkkkkkkkk

I literally cannot decide if she’s choking, puking, coughing, barking, or all four. I can’t concentrate on writing dynamic copy about our company’s capabilities when I hear the equivalent of a sea lion gargling with a dying hyena, man.

Batista needs to take action.