I know not many of you are interested in knitting, especially MY knitting, but I have to document this. And really, who doesn’t want to see The Largest Scarf in the World?
After a few months of not quite knowing what the hell I was doing, I managed to knit a few rows that looked decent. So, I kept going. No pattern, no skills, no problem! It was going to be a scarf, I decided.
So I knitted, and Knitted, and KNITTED. This thing took me 3 months. Mostly because I decided to have about 60,000 stitches on each row. Finally, I was done. And it wasn’t a scarf anymore, but a window covering. For giants.
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I think we all know that Abby, my cat, is hellbent on world domination. Sure, she pretends to be a normal cat, with her squirrel watching, catnip addiction and fetish for feather toys, but deep down, we all know her true reason for being on this Earth.
She does most of her plotting at night, when she tries to signal other cats through her elaborate blinds-rattling Morse code. Her reconnaissance missions are done under the cover of darkness, usually between 2:00-4:00 a.m.
At first, I thought her harmless quest was cute. Because Abby has no known accomplices, despite her best efforts. But that was before The Thing made its way into our home. The Thing was purchased for the fair price of one dollar. We thought it was cute and funny to have it around. The Thing was small, but full of mettle. And made of metal. The Thing seemed to be content to stand in the various hiding places we placed him in for joke value, like lunchbags and plants and coat pockets. We didn’t even realized that The Thing knew Abby. Oh, how we were wrong.
Here is what my infared camera caught on film late last night.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
OK, I need to do a relatively non-ranty post today so I don’t explode into a ball of rage and roll over everyone in this building, like a giant boulder from Indiana Jones.
I had a nice Jimmy John’s sandwich for lunch today. For those of you not familiar with JJ’s, they make the most heavenly bread you will ever eat. The fact that my lunch was only 17 minutes long due to a stupid meeting is irrelevant.
People at work are being laid off. This is the 4th time in 5 years. I know I should be very happy to still have a position here, even if it does blow and the president drives me nuts and the production people take the words, “Can you please scan this picture and crop it into this document?” to mean actually CUTTING THE PICTURE UP and leaving me to tell the client, “Hi, we cut up your picture of your dead friend. Hopefully you have the negative, so we can make another copy of it for you for free.”
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As I was walking back to my desk earlier, one of my vertebrae decided to take a break and my whole spine shifted so painfully that I looked a gimpy hunchback as I lurched across the floor. “Hey, Lumbar Sac 5 – cover for me, will ya? I’m gonna go outside for a minute and have a smoke.”
I keep thinking it’s Thursday, and it’s not. That makes me sad. And homicidal.
The president is not at work today. But that has not prevented him from calling me FOUR TIMES before lunch today, starting with the time he left me a message at 4:20 a.m. It disturbs me that when the president is killing time at an airport in the early morning hours, his first thought is to call me.
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I’ve made so many phone calls today, that when people call me back and say, “Yeah, I’m returning your call,” it takes me forever to realize why I called them.
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The sales reps should not be allowed to use PowerPoint ever again. “I can’t see my text. I type and type and it never shows up…” That’s because your font color is the same color as your background. And because you’re stupid.
