Pickles & Dimes

Do you know a motorist who suffers from IBS (Intermittent Braking Syndrome)? This disease, if not caught early, can spread rapidly, sometimes infecting other drivers within a matter of seconds. To protect yourself, learn the warning signs and symptoms of IBS:

STAGE 1: Driver is cruising along at a normal rate of speed when another vehicle approaches and signals to pass. Driver, alarmed at the appearance of another car, taps the brakes, even though said car is already 1000 feet ahead of him by the time driver realizes what’s going on. The next 17 cars behind also tap their brakes, creating a beautiful line of flashing red lights, especially pretty at nighttime around holiday season.

STAGE 2: Driver is in the left lane. Driver in right lane gets ready to exit and brakes in anticipation of slowing down for the ramp. Driver on left side panics, perhaps fearing that other driver is about to commit suicide and yank the vehicle into his lane. Naturally, a chain-reaction occurs, and all cars in both lanes grind to a halt.

STAGE 3: This driver has excellent reflexes and enjoys displaying them quite often. Spotting a pedestrian on the sidewalk invokes the classic knee-jerk response: the driver jams the brakes down quickly and forcibly, lest said pedestrian decides to jump into traffic, do a somersault and land on his windshield.

STAGE 4: This driver is extremely paranoid and brakes often, but only in the following conditions:
- Rain
- Sun
- Wind
- Fog
- Snow
- Ice
- Tuesdays

*Note: this driver is almost always in the left lane and must retain a space of 238 car lengths between himself and the next vehicle. This includes vehicles in the lane next to him.

STAGE 5: This is the most serious stage. The driver can no longer distinguish the difference between using the brake or LETTING UP ON THE ACCELERATOR when wanting to slow down. Braking is random and often, causing news helicopters to drone over the scene, cheerily filming the carnage.

If left untreated, the IBSer can be a carrier of the most horrible problem of all: the TRAFFIC JAM.

Treatment: I recommend the use of the LAZER™ (Large Automatic Zapper to Eliminate Road-Hazards – patent pending) dashboard system. When sensing a driver has IBS, a qualified, board-certified LAZER technician at the Traffic Elimination Center® may engage the LAZER and emit a soundless, odorless zap of energy that renders the IBSer’s brakes useless and displaces him to the end of the traffic jam that he/she has unwittingly caused. If repeated treatments do not prove fruitful, his/her driver’s license may be revoked and the offender will be forced to take public transportation, thereby improving traffic flow and the language of fellow motorists.

Remember, there’s no (unnecessary) braking on the freeway!