Pickles & Dimes

I have decided that my immune system is the worse bouncer ever.

Scene:
Outside the neon-lit club IcyHot, a bouncer addresses the line of people.

Bouncer/Immune System: “OK, I got the list. The only approved people for tonight are Mt. Dew, anything with bacon, Dayquil and pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. Oh yeah, and candy corn.”

Flu bug staggers up wearing a trashy green dress.

Bouncer/Immune System: “Sorry, you’re not on the list.”

Flu: {Bats eyelashes, shows some thigh.}

Bouncer/Immune System: “Uh, OK. Yeah, you can go on in.”

Dayquil comes up next, wearing bright orange bell bottoms.

Bouncer/Immune System: {eyeballs outfit} “You can’t come in here.”

Dayquil: “But I’m on the list! She specifically wants me to be here tonight!”

Bouncer/Immune System: {Hiding list} “I don’t see your name.”

Dayquil: {cries}

Bouncer/Immune System: “Fine. I’ll let you in. But you can’t mingle with the rest of the guests. Stay in the corner and don’t talk to anybody.”

This is how I picture my body today; the flu bug running amok, drunk, slurring its words and spilling its drink onto my blood cells and other internal organs. While the Dayquil just sits in my belly, too much of a wallflower to ask anyone to dance, and too much of a wuss to kick the flu’s butt.

Fantasy: Soaking in a nice hot bubble bath
Reality: Inhaling the stench of perfume my co-worker apparently bathed in

Fantasy: Sitting on the couch snuggling with the cats
Reality: Listening to catty co-workers complain

Fantasy: Wasting the day away watching soap operas
Reality: Listening to far-fetched gossip about my boss

Fantasy: Spending the day writing and reading
Reality: Spending the day writing endless proposals and reading grammar-deficient letters from the sales staff

Fantasy: Living in a world where time does not matter
Reality: Having to do the work of 3 people in 1/3 the time necessary

Fantasy: Getting an unexpected present from Super Bitchy Sales Rep
Reality: Having SBSR tell me she’s going to give me a present, preparing myself to stab her if said present is actually “work,” and having her give me a nice gift from a vendor

Although I can safely attest that I have not had ANY Mt Dew, I have to confess that I’ve had caffeine 3 times since this miserable little experiment began:

1. When camping this past weekend, I brought along plenty of my own non-caffeinated beverages, because someone else was providing regular pop and water and beer. I had 2 cans on Saturday. On Sunday, I discovered ALL of my pop was gone, as was the water. The only thing left was Coke and beer (which I don’t drink - yeah, I know). So I split a few Cokes with Jason. It tasted funny.

2. Last night at my Grandpa’s I tried that new Black Mt. Dew stuff that tastes vaguely grape-like. Ick.

3. The day after camping, I got home from running errands expecting to have a few hours to myself while Jason worked late. The apartment was hot and muggy, and I had to do laundry, which meant hauling a huge basket up and down 3 floors. To cool off first, I stripped down to my unmentionables and cranked up the air. I started putzing around, feeding the fish, going through the mail, etc. All of a sudden, the desire to have a Coke became unbearable. I could *not* ignore it. I tried to resist, but when I opened the fridge, the Coke can all but shoved the Sierra Mist out of its way, while the generic Root Beer and Orange cowered in the corner. Just as I cracked the Coke open, I heard a key in the door. Three thoughts simultaneously raced through my head:
- AHHHHHH!
- I’m naked!
- Where do I hide this pop?!

So Jason was home, and quite obviously wondered why I was mostly naked. We had a conversation that I can’t even remember, mainly because I was using all of my Jedi-mind powers to will him not to look behind the table leg of the dinner table, where I had so cleverly hidden the Coke can.

As he vented about work, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, my mind was furiously trying to figure out how to get rid of this pop can that I hadn’t even had the pleasure of drinking. And oh yeah, I’m still not fully dressed. I finally got him to check on the availability of the washers and quickly hid the can behind my dresser.

Later that night, as he took out the garbage, I emptied the can and disposed of it in the laundry room garbage. Crisis averted. I am a genius.

A genius who wants a freaking Mt. Dew.