Pickles & Dimes

Today is Day 24 of being a non-smoker and everything seems to be going alright.

What?

It’s only the beginning of Day 4???!!!

Son of a bitch…  

I’ll never be able to do this!!!

Well, it’s the beginning of Day 3, and the smoke-out is going extremely well. Before I get to my good qualities of being a non-smoker, I should mention the mood swings. Yesterday, and a little bit today (did I mention it’s only 9:30?) I had some mood swings. I didn’t want to bring them up, because I don’t even know what they are, or if they exist. Yesterday was a hard day, Shauna got some very bad news, and it was tough on all of us. I am just trying to do my very best to be there for her. So I will attribute my “mood swings” to that.

Everything is going well today; I don’t feel I need the gum as often. Regular chewing gum seems to be helping too, although at the rate my jaw is moving, it might lock up soon. I feel like I’m chomping on my Extra like it’s the last piece on earth.
***
Well, everything was going ok today. I had been feeling great all day. When Shauna got home it was no exception. I was excited to see her, and couldn’t wait to start our night. Time to go to Cub, we’re running low on the essentials. On the drive there I go off on some goofy tirade about how she never cooks. I’m half cocked and have no idea what I’m even ranting about. Words are coming out but I don’t even hear what I’m saying. Now remember, none of what I’m saying has even a ring of truth to it. It is at this point that I realize that my mood swings are worse than I wanted to admit. I had another bad one as we were going to bed. It looks like I’ll have to call “Monkey Ass” more often.

I’ve also noticed that I’m taking a few more “good natured” digs at Shauna than normal. Funny thing is, I take too many to begin with. That is something I will have to work on. It’s weird, I just feel a little “punchy” lately. Like I need any help starting an argument. Today’s realization: I need to work on being more even keeled throughout this.

Shauna will never know how much it means to me that she is there for me. I keep being a jerk to her (and it’s probably only going to get worse before the nic fits get better) but she is doing her best. I can’t believe how patient she is. Nobody has the patience she has with me. That, right there, means the world to me. She means the world to me. I just want her to know that, because I can’t seem to muster up the strength to tell her. Maybe after the first week is over, and the toughest part is out of the way, I’ll be able to tell her. Right now just writing it down will have to do, I guess.

See ya’ tomorrow…

Yesterday went surprisingly well. I never really craved a cigarette; sure I wanted one, but it was fairly easy to fight the urge. Look at me, I’m getting cocky already. Let’s not get too far ahead of myself, remember, one hour at a time.

The great thing about yesterday is I really didn’t get moody. I never felt like “why am I doing this?” The only time I felt anything was as we were crawling into bed. It wasn’t even moodiness, just quiet, kind of taking stock, making sure I can do this. Shauna asked if I was all right, and I was. It’s funny how she knows me.

I love that Shauna is so supportive of me, of course she is, she’s not going to be dating a smoker anymore. She really believes in me, and knows I can do it. I need to see that confidence she has in me, it really helps. I also want to be there for her, she is giving up The Dew. I’ve done that before too, and I’ll tell you this: It is as hard as quitting smoking or chewing. That is, when you are addicted to the stuff as we are. But, I know she can do it, she’s that strong willed. I’m glad we are doing this at the same time, it helps. It also helps that we haven’t been fighting too much either, otherwise we’d probably be all over each other. So far, so good.

Last night we both took an hour-long nap around 8:00. I think this is dragging us down a bit, but we did a workout as well. Just have to keep at it. I didn’t sleep very well either; wait, I shouldn’t say that. I just had a hell of a time getting out of bed. I mean, really tough. Once I got through the shower, I felt all right though. Well, it’s another day…

Day One as a non-smoker. I didn’t get a lot of sleep due to the nervous energy I have knowing that I am going to quit. I don’t want to give this a half-assed effort, I don’t want to fail. I am going to quit.

I take my first piece of “gum” at 6:30 am, on my way to work. The night before I read all of the “instructions” on quitting smoking using the nicotine gum properly. The novel they try to pass off as instructions has me believing I can do it. Plus Shauna believes in me, which helps a lot. The instruction manual talks about a “peppery” taste to the gum. I don’t know about that. Could it really be peppery? 

Well, apparently that is the best way to describe it. It really does have a peppery taste. It also gives off that tingling sensation between my cheek and gum that I was all too familiar with back in my Kodiak days. That part I can deal with.

The morning goes by just fine, using a few pieces of gum. It’s just hard not to think about it. I don’t think I even like smoking, it’s just the routine of it.  

Case in point: I go to wash up for lunch and walk out onto the dock, reaching for a cigarette without even thinking about it. Now I don’t have any on me, I’m not even going to keep them close. It’s just that much a part of my day. All I have to do, I guess, is break the cycle.

The afternoon goes by just fine, I think there were even points where it wasn’t consuming my every thought. Hell, I even had a beer as work was letting up (all-employee meeting, we made money, ah, never mind.) Even then I didn’t really crave it. It’s funny too, not until I’m quitting do I realize how many people around me smoke, at work anyhow. Do people really do any work around here? I’m kidding, that was me too.  

I think I’m going to be just fine. All I have to do is get over the hump.