Gym? Rats!
I went to the gym again last night. I’m slowly building up lung capacity so I don’t die from physical activity. To distract myself from the vision of my poor running form and the too-red hue of my face, I people watch. And typically see these groups of individuals:
1. The Stereotypical Steroidal Man Hulks: Men who are chronically sweating and beet red with exertion. They literally have to move their whole body around, like Batman, just to turn their head. Always at the gym, they prove their manhood to the unimpressed masses by lifting the heaviest weight and doing one rep.
2. The New Year’s Resolutioners: These people come in wearing shiny new outfits, new shoes, and a towel slung ever-so-jauntily around their necks. They’re usually accompanied by the personal trainer and cheerfully do whatever machine they’re told. However, they mysteriously vanish after a few weeks.
3. The Creepy, Older Women Trying Desperately To Find A Man Before It’s Too Late: There is an alarming number of these women around. They do their “workouts” in full makeup, with bright lipstick and fully coiffed hair, and are careful not to do any activity that would result in breaking a sweat. Also, they tend to sit themselves next to beautifully muscled men 30 years younger and casually ask for help with the machines.
4. The Average Joes: This is where I come in. Show up, do a quasi-tiring workout, lift weights, and leave. Two to three times a week, put in the time; everybody’s happy.
5. The Exercise Fanatics: These people will run for an hour, do every single machine in the place and then go to an aerobics class. For some reason these people are abnormally chatty and attempt to engage total strangers (i.e., me) in inane conversations about fitness levels, muscle builders, protein shakes and the unfortunate disparity between the stairmaster workout and the treadmill.
6. The Machine Lurkers: These people need to be on whatever machine you are using. Now. Right this second. If you ignore them and continue with your workout, they will stand right next to you - in the midst of 800 other machines - and stare you down while whining, looking at their watch and piteously wringing their hands. When you are finished, they will towel off the machine vigorously, put the weight at 20 lbs. and do 5 reps.
