Pickles & Dimes

For a video shoot for work yesterday, I traveled to the house of the cutest couple in the world. They were both in their 70s and as welcoming as could be, despite the army of people invading their home with monitors and cords and lights and cameras. The husband got touched up by the makeup artist while a few of us chatted amiably with his wife.

With everything almost ready, we analyzed the setup, looking for possible reflections or distractions in the shot. Finally, we were banished to the living room to watch the interview on a tiny monitor. The first few minutes went well, until the sound guy interrupted and proclaimed the ticking of a wall clock to be too loud. A few minutes later, we stopped again because the humming refrigerator was too distracting. A few minutes after that, we realized the chair the husband was sitting in squeaked every time he moved.

With everything finally settled, the interview continued for a few more minutes until we heard: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. Everyone looked around in confusion while the wife shook her head. Turns out the cat that had been banished to the bedroom was voicing his displeasure by pawing at the door.

The cat got resettled downstairs and we started again. During the heart of the interview, I suddenly developed a tickle in my throat. It was awful – just one cough or throat-clearing would take care of it, but I didn’t dare do it. It got to the point where my eyes were watering. Just as I was about to ruin everything, the interviewer stopped anyway. The next minute was a flurry of normal noises as everyone coughed, cleared their throat, rearranged their seating position, or otherwise existed. Total silence is hard to achieve, man!

After instructing the interviewer to ask a few more questions, we started getting some really great sound bites. So of course that’s when we heard WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!

It was a train. OF COURSE IT WAS. Which, according to the wife, only passes through twice a day. About the only thing missing from our menagerie of noisy interruptions was a police siren and perhaps some stern yells emanating from a megaphone while a SWAT copter hovered nearby.

But as I was leaving, I realized we had probably gotten off easy. Sitting in the next-door neighbor’s front yard, ready for action, was a circular saw.

Blocks away from home when I got into a car accident: 4

Number of lanes other driver crossed before T-boning me: 2

Seconds I had to react after seeing him out of the corner of my eye: .00000037

Pieces of car debris that showered over my car like a NASCAR-branded snow globe: 157

Pieces of debris that were from my car: 0

Swear words I said after impact: 3

Times other driver said, “I didn’t see you there”: 1

Times I said, “Well, I was RIGHT THERE”: 1

Times I wanted to say, “What the HELL, dude?!?”: 4

Times other driver made vague mentions of “not going through insurance”: 2

Number of seconds I waited after he drove away before I called my insurance company: 12

Date I discovered other driver’s insurance “lapsed”: January of 2011

Estimate to repair my car: $2,307

Amount of my deductible: $250

Approximate cost for rental car: $50

Times I’ve cracked my skull on the rental car door: 2

Minutes it took me to figure out how to dispense windshield wiper fluid: 37

Times I have used my car’s automatic starter this winter: 3

Days this week I could’ve used my car’s automatic starter if only it wasn’t still in the repair shop: 3

Times I happily reflected that my insurance company is going after the other driver to recoup their costs (including my deductible, which will be refunded to me): 17

Phone calls/messages I’ve received from other driver conveying his vague disappointment that I’m going through insurance: 3

Times I’ve believed that had I done that, the other driver would honor his assurance of paying for everything in a timely manner: 0

Times I don’t care what he wanted because I had the right of way, he hit me, he has no say in how I choose to do things and oh yeah, it’s against the law to NOT HAVE INSURANCE: 5

Amount my premium will go up: $0

Times I have been glad I have Liberty Mutual for my insurance company: 25

Hours until I can pick up my car and stop giving myself car door-induced concussions: 26

Have you guys ever had a stress dream? One of the “forgot to study for the big exam” variety that leaves you in a panic? Usually mine involves me pulling out giant, ragged sections of my teeth and gums, which is horrifying, but I’ll gladly take that over the dream I had last night.

Actually, there were four of them. FOUR. I’ve never been so glad to hear my alarm go off as I was this morning. Each dream had me feeling horrible and apologizing for my shortcomings as a human being. Being a bad friend: Sorry I missed your mom’s funeral! Being a bad student: Sorry I forgot about my swimming test (that I then failed because I was wearing clothes instead of a swimsuit)! Being a bad party guest: Sorry I broke your brand-new and extremely expensive camera! And the kicker, being a bad babysitter: Sorry I killed your child!

In that dream, another person and I were babysitting a little boy, about 18 months old. He was standing on a chair and I was showing him a cardboard box. Every time he’d see it, he’d happily slap his hands on it, laughing and smiling. I’d pull it away and then show it to him again so he could repeat his playful drumming. Back and forth we’d go – laughing and drumming and smiling. Only I pulled the box away, and in anticipation of reaching for it again, the boy lost his balance and suddenly leaned over the now-backless chair. And fell.

His head hit the edge of the table and then he landed headfirst on the floor: CrackCrack. The other person was gone. The boy’s eyes were cloudy. And even as I picked him up, begging, “Please start crying. Please start crying,” I knew he was dead.

Delightful, right? I still feel awful about it, and that was 10 hours ago.

What stress dreams have you had?